22.09.10

Last night sent chills through me. It’s a crazy feeling really. I’m upset and disappointed though - at myself. I froze up so many times. Why are my emotions so overwhelming? They engulf me and consume my entire life. No wonder I want a life consuming job to keep me completely occupied and productive. I’ve always been scared of emotional attachment - with valid reason, and my last emotional attachment definitely did not help my cause with its constant mental trauma. It just locked me up in a little cage, hidden behind a facade of intoxicants, concealed under a thick veil of misconceptions, waiting in bitter apprehension for someone to find me. I’ve been located as such, but as I sat there miserably awaiting my liberation, I lost the key to my cage. Now I’m sitting in this sadistic little cage, unable to free myself and unknowing of how anyone else could possibly save me. The point of this little metaphorical rant being, why can’t I open up? It’s not like I ‘won’t.’ I mean I’ve tried, I just can’t. I can’t let go of myself. That is why I don’t like dancing. I’m always scrutinizing my every move and criticizing my every action. I don’t trust myself in my own hands anymore. For once, I need to let someone else take complete control. I need someone else to cut through the cage with shards of diamond. But who? This is where my other significant issue arises; a complete and absolute lack of trust in pretty much every aspect of the world. The world is a shitty place, I know this isn’t entirely true, but it’s what I’ve been indoctrinated to believe. The people who imbedded this notion into me only wanted the best for me; it was a form of self-preservation. However, a while ago it passed all boundaries of self-preservation and entered the region of internal and external self-destruction – my home as of now. A growing physical, sexual and emotional insecurity seems to be incinerating my soul, diminishing it into its inevitable nonexistence. My lack of trust, as mentioned before, prevents me from opening up emotionally, physically and after the last attachment, sexually – an issue I thought would never arise. Therefore I’m pretty much starting from square one. My past relationships never happened; I’ve lost all experience gained with them, ironically maintaining only the damage they did to me. Honestly, whoever you are. Take me away from myself or who I’ve become. I can’t linger like this any longer.