I've Noticed

The people who become obsessive or incredibly passionate about a certain matter are those who are looking to fill a void in their lives. An emptiness left by a lack of appreciation, a void caused by a lack of love, the search for approval or the search to fulfill an incomprehensible missing something in their lives, something they just can’t put a finger on. The latter ‘something’ entails to a rather specific group of people. A group of people I’ve chosen to call the ‘wanderers.’ These ‘wanderers’ tend to be emotionally unstable and mentally inconsistent. Of course people must move on, in regards to life, thus improving and making positive progress. However these ‘wanderers’ move on in a different sense of the phrase. They tend to forget the past, ignore the present and inch towards a mirage in their future. When visualizing these people, I see a dog running in circles behind its own tail. Constantly searching, looking for answers, answers to unanswerable questions. Answers to questions that can only be answered if one believes in a higher power, something to justify all the unfathomable phenomena occurring around us. Back to the point. These wanderers and others who are searching for the cement to fill the hole in their lives are often left high and dry with nothing to satisfy them. Therefore they accept whatever happens to be the most available and fulfilling at the time, latch on and don’t let go. They become bloodsucking infatuated parasites. This host of theirs temporarily fills the gap and during their period of infatuation they defend their host with tooth and nail. This defensive nature does not stem from a faith in their host’s qualities or anything of the sort, but from a profound debt they feel towards the entity that has brought a temporary sense of fulfillment in their lives.
This type of relationship is absolutely unhealthy. Just because you’re empty, just because you feel like your heart is nothing but a never-ending abyss of sorrow and rejection, turning to something, or someone to make you whole is not a realistic solution. Are you truly so insecure in yourself that you feel the need to let yourself go in the arms of an unfamiliar entity which you allow to consume and dictate your being?
I am from a Catholic background, slightly agnostic and definitely open minded. I’m not one of those Christians who believe that if you’ve heard the word of God yet decided to follow a different path you’re immediately banished to hell. Psh. In that case it’s better to remain uneducated. However if you think about it, for the latter part of that statement to be true, one must believe the first part, as that statement itself (I have been told) is a (Pentecostal) Christian doctrine. If one were not Christian, that statement would not apply therefore you would not go to hell. So remember peeps, if you’re a Christian who doesn’t follow the word of God, remember to convert out of Christianity to save your soul from eternal torture. Sigh. I’m sorry if I offended anybody, that thought has been really consuming my mind the last few days. Back to the point, again.
You do not need to surrender yourself to an unknown entity just to feel fulfillment within yourself! Sure, that’s one way, I’m not scorning upon it. All I’m saying is there are other POSITIVE alternatives. In life you always have a choice. You just need to have trust and belief in yourself. You need to face the reality, understand your obstacles and embrace the qualities you are able to use to overcome the obstacles (No quality is entirely positive or entirely negative. Every quality depends on the circumstance in which it’s used). Embrace your inner strength. There may be a higher power, there may be not (I for one, believe in a higher power, this entire post is purely ‘just saying’), but either way, don’t leave it up to someone you can’t even see (atheist point of view). God, if you do believe in him, will want you to help yourself, God is love and love is pure and love is true. Your life up to a certain point, is in your hands. The rest is up to fate, luck or God. Whichever you wish to call it.

16.09.10

I’m swallowed in an engulfment of thought, yet thought of no substance. Thought of a nothingness, a nothingness so deep it seems to border something. However undeniably, it still is nothing. It’s like feeling so cold, you’re starting to burn. Fire – ice, elements that contradict and complement. Analysis, analysis, someone give me a conclusion! Andy Warhol once said, “I’m deeply superficial” Does that describe how I feel at the moment? I’m listening to Roads again. Roads always has a meaning. Unfortunately, due to its abstraction, its meaning too is usually undecipherable to one in the midst of the conflict. I just need a moment to step out and look back on everything; eliminate all external and superficial influence. I need a moment to order my thoughts. Am I doing the right thing? Maybe I should stay away. I don’t want to rush into anything, or ruin anything. Then again, is there anything there to ruin in the first place? Am I making assumptions? Forcing myself to feel? What the fuck am I doing? Honestly.

22.09.10

Last night sent chills through me. It’s a crazy feeling really. I’m upset and disappointed though - at myself. I froze up so many times. Why are my emotions so overwhelming? They engulf me and consume my entire life. No wonder I want a life consuming job to keep me completely occupied and productive. I’ve always been scared of emotional attachment - with valid reason, and my last emotional attachment definitely did not help my cause with its constant mental trauma. It just locked me up in a little cage, hidden behind a facade of intoxicants, concealed under a thick veil of misconceptions, waiting in bitter apprehension for someone to find me. I’ve been located as such, but as I sat there miserably awaiting my liberation, I lost the key to my cage. Now I’m sitting in this sadistic little cage, unable to free myself and unknowing of how anyone else could possibly save me. The point of this little metaphorical rant being, why can’t I open up? It’s not like I ‘won’t.’ I mean I’ve tried, I just can’t. I can’t let go of myself. That is why I don’t like dancing. I’m always scrutinizing my every move and criticizing my every action. I don’t trust myself in my own hands anymore. For once, I need to let someone else take complete control. I need someone else to cut through the cage with shards of diamond. But who? This is where my other significant issue arises; a complete and absolute lack of trust in pretty much every aspect of the world. The world is a shitty place, I know this isn’t entirely true, but it’s what I’ve been indoctrinated to believe. The people who imbedded this notion into me only wanted the best for me; it was a form of self-preservation. However, a while ago it passed all boundaries of self-preservation and entered the region of internal and external self-destruction – my home as of now. A growing physical, sexual and emotional insecurity seems to be incinerating my soul, diminishing it into its inevitable nonexistence. My lack of trust, as mentioned before, prevents me from opening up emotionally, physically and after the last attachment, sexually – an issue I thought would never arise. Therefore I’m pretty much starting from square one. My past relationships never happened; I’ve lost all experience gained with them, ironically maintaining only the damage they did to me. Honestly, whoever you are. Take me away from myself or who I’ve become. I can’t linger like this any longer.

hellyeahrandomthoughts

Personally, I believe that life is the ultimate form of entertainment (until death). We are given this life to explore and discover. I believe that drugs are a perfect medium for this, ie. acid. We as human beings are the most intellectual species on this earth (even th ough we don’t act accordingly) and by using these tools (not abusing) we can gain knowledge and wisdom, and also find our inner self. That’s just a little of my insight, don’t know if it makes any sense to you guys. - HighHaze
Fuck yeah. I completely agree. Life is just a form of entertainment. It’s given to us to explore without limitations. I’m referring to this in a subconscious, unconscious and conscious sense of the word explore. Fuck what’s morally correct. As long as you don’t physically harm anybody else, you’re fine. Getting high or falling down the rabbit hole is merely another method of self discovery. When you’re high you see and notice things you don’t in your usual state of mind. Sure, you can develop your senses to meet this standard in a conscious manner - but why can’t you do the same without undergoing this process? Lewis Caroll was on a trip while he wrote Alice In Wonderland, a literary masterpiece. The things he discussed may have been a little ‘out there’, but what’s wrong with ‘out there’? I’m sick of the traditional and the conservative. The good little broadway girl acting in her plays saving sex for after marriage and following the rules of products of the 70’s. This is a new fucking generation. Progress. Times change. Paradigms shifts occur. It’s all about adaptation. Think outside the box. Education, too, must progress. The age of memorization, knowledge and regurgitation is nearing its end. Understanding, concepts and critical analysis are the doorway to a real future. Knowledge undeniably is the foundation of understanding, however knowledge is easy to acquire. Simple. A piece of fucking cake. Understanding on the other hand requires the ability to connect and relate. If I were to start a school, the subject I’d place the most emphasis on would be epistemology. Sure we know how, we know where, we know when and we know what - but do we know why? Are we able to analyse with objectivity? Are we mentally exposed to the negatives and the positives of every situation? True intelligence comes with the ability to objectively make a choice based on subjectivity. Are we living in a fucking censored society, our mental state blinded by authoritarian figures, the fate of our global population in the hands of ignorant motherfuckers?
I’m not pro-drugs or anti-drugs. I don’t believe in a right or wrong. I’m just firmly against living in an enclosed environment with the inability to control our own actions. You don’t do drugs? Why? Because it’s bad for you? Of course it is. So is everything in excess! How about in moderation? It’s still bad? How do you know that? Where is your proof? Your best friend told you not to? Why? Because he had a friend who got hooked on E and when he was off committed suicide with the lack of serotonin within his body? Didn’t you fucking hear me say MODERATION? Learn to draw the line.
I’m firmly against this for the benefit of the narrow minded people I have had the misfortune of associating with and in general, the fate of the human race. I’m thankful that never in my life have my true logical thoughts been subdued or indoctrinated due to external forces. I want you, the reader, to go and define the word ‘indoctrination’. Right now. Indoctrination isn’t going to hit you in the face. It’ll slowly slither up your fingertips, linger in your ears and slime its way into your mind. Similarly to peer pressure. No one’s going to tell you, “I want you to think like this. This is the way you are supposed to think.” No. Like Hitler during the holocaust, indoctrination will be the environment you have grown up in. The thoughts you have been trained to think, the feelings and notions you associate yourself with. Even in the quest to belong, the quest to classify yourself within a group of people, you are in a position of indoctrination. Do not believe what other people tell you, unless you have used your five senses or intuition to justify their teachings. The method you use to justify what you have been told is of no significance, as long as you do. It’s all about you. It all starts with you. You need to give yourself a reason to believe.
I second the anarchist theory, ‘whatever man has the might to do, he has the right to do’ with minor adjustment. This adjustment being; without inflicting harm upon external entities.
TO BE CONTINUED.

The Creature I've Become

Capricious creature. You waste your existence wallowing in inhumane apathy. Your corrosive indifference seems a poison to whoever faces the misfortune of crossing paths with your ember. How I abhor your destructive interference in what I used to call my life; recently referred to more accurately as my ‘state of existence’. I’d command you to ignominy, although it is not my place to dictate your fate. I, as your puppet, must obey your commands. I trudge along in mental monotony, forming censored psychological manifestations, allowing you to control my being. However, you are me, and I am you. We are one, yet I detest you. Therefore, should I not, detest me too?

Yes, I’m referring to myself. My ‘inner demons.’ Passive inaction too, is a crime. Often, one’s greatest struggle is with oneself - directly and/or indirectly. You are the only person you can truly change. So begin with yourself and your environment will fall into place.