All Around Me: Flyleaf

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe.

Because beauty doesn't last forever.

Dear God, the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again.
Once again.

'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say,
Or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't make sense.

We be awesome.

[28.03.2010
01.04.2010
30.05.2010
24.06.2010]

Nightmares.

Written on the 18th of January, 2010. Much has changed since.

Our dreams, believed to be structured, figurative or literal symbolic representations of our subconscious mind are unexplainable phenomena frequently appearing in the human mind. Dreams are open to interpretation hence making their nature vivid, abstract and unclear. I however, rarely have dreams of positivity. My nights are clouded with nightmare after nightmare, loss after loss and ripping emotion after emotion. My dreams or rather nightmares trap me within the barriers of my own mind, creating a prison escapable only through waking up.

The three main concepts addressed by each and every nightmare are:

loneliness,

failure  

rejection. 

Lost in the prison,
of thought.
My mind longing to quench
its thirst to kill.
Kill the demons, 
born of my own consciousness.
Eradicate the isolation.
Overpower the failure
Rise above the rejection.
Eliminate the pain.

My nightmares of loneliness are often combined with an exhilarating sense of adventure. There is often a definite goal which I must achieve in order to wake up. However, this nightmare of sorts may transform into a dream after I have accomplished the assigned goal. I’ve crossed the border; the border that indicates the line between the familiar and the unknown, the safe and the precarious, the heartwarming and the cold. I’m in unfamiliar territory, alone within the slight protection of my own fragile skin. My heart and mind, the only dependable assets I may use to get me through this new world of isolation I have been thrust into. I am alone and I must return – yet I do not know how. My dreams of loneliness habitually take place within a parallel universe, this parallel universe often includes characters classified as fantastical or mystical; fairies, the transformers, the Men in Black or even dinosaurs.

My nightmares of failure, the dreams which trap my mind from every corner, have absolutely no escape while within the dream. The door of my prison cell has been locked and the key has been discarded. I am lost in a world of negativity with no hope of return. Nightmares of failure may only be prevented, as there is no cure.

My nightmares of rejection are regarded, even within my dreams, with my typical fake nonchalance and pride. I overlook the issue in denial and risk my happiness for the sake of my pride.

These nightmares are the cause and effect of the sudden paradigm shift that took place within my mind. My constantly developing outlook on life has been influenced by and produced these recurring nightmares. The development of the content within these nightmares and the increasing and decreasing depictions of fear and dread are based on the strength of my feelings, weight of my guilt and significance of my fear.

Statuism in a nutshell.

"I am not what you think I am.
I am not what I think I am.
I am what I think you think I am."

The quote above is pretty much my personal project in a nutshell. Food for thought.

I just want this to end.

I've been downloading countless numbers of Owl City songs today. A clear representation of my current mood; soft, sad and mellow. Not a mood I'm allowed to feel though.. Just like the rules set for me addressing my happiness: not allowed that either. I tell those I spend time with how surprised and happy I am regarding a current happening in my life, it's called being big headed. No, it's just being proud of yourself, thrilled that your self-esteem issues aren't really valid. However, obviously those who have caused you your self-esteem issues are going to  get angry when you seem to have overcome them.

I want a new start, a new beginning, new people. I don't want people who bring up things that happened in 6th Grade, never allowing me to move on. I find it pathetic that those who bring up such long forgotten events, become touchy when I bring up events from months ago. Well guess what, karma's a bitch. You can put on a fake smile, but God sees you and you won't get away with what you do.

Once again, I want a new start, a new beginning, new people. People who understand me and accept me for who I am. Those who don't kiss ass, loyal friends. I'm told that I'm too picky with people and my standards are too high. All I ask for is individuality, is that too much of a quality to ask for? Are the people in my environment really so deprived of this basic quality? Pathetic, beyond pathetic.